How to treat survivors with respect and compassion. How do victims want and deserve to be treated?
- Alexandra Ruiz Costas
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
In Puerto Rico, three of every four victims are stalked by a person they know. 87% of the victims can identify the person who stalks them. Women have three times more probability of becoming a victim of stalking than a man. 78% of the victims are women. 74% of the victims are between the ages of 18 to 39. (Statistics from Coordinadora Paz para las Mujeres, Inc. -Coalición Puertorriqueňa contra la Violencia Doméstica y la Agresión Sexual).
My sister Andrea was a victim of femicide. And before that, she was a victim of stalking. And in between, she suffered more than that. Knowing how Andrea was treated during her process, which I spoke about in the first part of the series, The cost of being a victim, I understand now how much re-victimization is inherent in the process of asking for help and getting the system to provide that help. As time has gone by, many survivors have approached me with the same sense of revictimization.
When victims try to reclaim their lives, they may encounter a lack of compassion or empathy by certain sectors. Their need for help is not always immediately recognized by others. In other cases, the sense of urgency to provide a safe space, both physical and emotional, is minimized. During this process, all victims deserve to be shown empathy and compassion, given protection, and treated with respect.
In addition, many people who might feel sympathy share opinions and emotions in disrespectful ways that feel harmful to those most impacted. I feel a pressing need to talk about this, to make us as a society open our eyes.
In my experience, there are times where I have been approached by sensitive people and respectful media. But there are other times where their approach has been hurtful, and re-victimizing (out of place questions, having “professionals” discuss my statements right after I speak, showing hurtful photos and videos of my sister’s tragedy on live TV while I speak). After years, it still happens sometimes, which still enacts a trauma response in my body that can last for weeks. And when another femicide happens, I feel so much for the surviving families and what they will see in social media, in the news, and when it is their turn to go to court.
I understand that it can be difficult to truly understand something that has not happened to us personally. That is why it helps to learn about trauma responses (see Pamela’s blogs on the 5 Physical Responses to Trauma from July 3 and July 11) and how to follow a sensitive approach with survivors (see, for example, my blog on healing through arts engagement, Kay Hanna-DeLuca’s blog on what honeybees teach us about community, and Pamela’s blog on respectful treatment modeled in The Black Perspective). There are trauma survivors everywhere, whether we know their stories or not. Disrespect is not only shown by raising our voice at someone or through insults. Per definition, “Disrespect is a lack of courtesy, regard, or proper esteem. It involves treating someone, or their boundaries and feelings, as lesser than they deserve” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Based on these examples and this definition, it is evident that the line between sharing opinions and creating respectful conversations continues to be crossed too frequently.
We need to recognize how fragile a person can be in certain moments, especially when there is trauma involved. Be there for them, with open hearts. Become a “safe place” for trauma survivors. And don’t forget that even for the ones lost to femicide, their surviving families and close friends still read and hear what is written, shown, and posted. Even in death, too many femicide victims are still being judged and blamed. If we want to be better humans, we need to start showing respect to the humans going through hard times. Let’s build that collective consciousness. Let's stop the hurt from spreading. Let’s stop the blaming and shaming. And let’s start healing together.
