Alexandra Ruiz Costas’ personal story on healing through arts engagement

Alexandra Ruiz Costas serves as Secretary of the Healing Bells Board and Co-Director of the Colectiva por Andrea: sanarte. Alex courageously participated in our “Ni une más” production. She shared the tragic story of her sister Andrea. We collaborated to keep Andrea’s vibrant spirit alive through music and dance. Learn from Alex about the impact of the arts and a supportive community.

Photo of Andrea Ruiz Costas

When my sister Andrea was taken from us in such a violent way, I was, as expected, feeling pain combined with anger. But not only that, I was feeling a lot of guilt, thinking about all the things I could have done differently. It didn’t help knowing that Andrea had taken the proper steps to seek help against this man that was harassing her, following her, showing up at her apartment at all hours, waiting for her at a gas station on her way home, or staying after his work shift ended until hers ended as well, spying on her at work through security cameras, denying that he still had a key to her car, and creating false social media accounts of them as a couple. I came to know these specific details after this man was arrested and charged for Andrea’s murder.

These were the facts that I did know: Andrea had confided in me that she had ended this relationship because of events that happened that she did not feel comfortable with. But he was not accepting the relationship was over, not keeping his distance, not letting her live her life freely. She asked me not to tell our parents because she was handling it, assuring me he was inoffensive.

Sisters: Andrea & Alexandra Ruiz Costas

And I kept quiet. I believed the police and the judicial system would help her, because she was doing all the right things, telling them her story repeatedly. Andrea went to the police, and reported the situation in her workplace, asking for protection. Then she told me the judges–two women–had not found grounds to grant her a restraining order. Still, Andrea assured me she was safe because this man had asked for forgiveness and promised he would keep his distance. She wanted to believe she was safe. She couldn’t imagine that someone would hurt her because she would never hurt someone else. Next, he brutally killed her and then tried to cover it in the most hideous manner.

This is the stuff you see in movies. You never think you or a close one will go through this. Society keeps hiding these stories, not exposing the dangers that many women go through every day. People, including friends and family, turn a blind eye: “this doesn’t happen to me, to us, in our family, in this place of work, in this group of friends, in our community, our school, our church….”

Side view of Ni una más mural in Puerto Rico

At some point, besides missing Andrea with all my being, the range of emotions going through my mind was extremely painful, tiresome, and a horrible place to find myself in. The injustices that came after Andrea’s murder with the media, the government, the judicial system, were another hell on earth for our family. Andrea was never given justice after death.

I still go to therapy, and it has done a lot of good. But during and after all this happened, my soul was

Nos queremos vivxs (We want to live) mural in Puerto Rico

destroyed. And I was not letting myself tell my story, which is intertwined with Andrea’s. I thought that I couldn’t break down the way I needed to. In my mind, that was not allowed because I had to be strong for everybody, and I had to fight the injustices of Andrea’s case, and I had to console my parents, and I had to show everybody that I was okay. With some external influences around me, I imposed it upon myself to be a strong woman instead of another victim. The problem with this imposed stoicism was that, in my case, it wasn’t helping me heal. 

Front view of Ni una más mural in Puerto Rico

Time passed by, and I met with two beautiful souls from Healing Bells. They were working in a production called Ni une más, a collection of stories told by the very survivors of trauma. They wanted to know about Andrea, who she really was, and to include her story in the production by composing one song. I opened up about my sister, talking about her to people that were meeting her through my words. And Pamela, the artistic director and composer, understood perfectly, to the point of composing three songs that captured not only Andrea’s essence, but our relationship. Our bond as sisters and the feelings of loss, sadness, and pain in me, combined with love and gratitude for having had her in my life.

Names of femicide victims in Puerto Rico, including Andrea Ruiz Costas

Later, I was invited to Ann Arbor, Michigan to  meet the production team of Ni une más by Healing Bells. I thought we were only doing this for Andrea. To tell her story in aims of future prevention, and to keep her memory alive. But what I was not expecting was to find an outlet for my grief, and to accept Andrea’s tragedy as part of my story as well.

Photo of Jim (Alex's fiancé), Alex, and Pamela

I did not compose any music, didn’t sing, didn’t dance, didn’t act there on the stage. But my words, feelings, and emotions were the seed from which those songs and choreographies came to be. And when I saw it, I felt it all. I could see Andrea and myself there on stage as well. Finally, I let myself feel my loss and accept my trauma, including my fear of now being alone because she is no longer alive. I believe I was ashamed to accept that fear, maybe feeling like I was stealing from somebody else’s tragedy, Andrea’s own murder, my parents’ loss…. I finally understood that I didn’t have to be strong all the time. I found a community where I could stop being careful not to upset others, and didn’t have to downplay my hurt. I could cry, and Healing Bells would cry with me AND for me….

Healing Bells understood. They embraced me. They were just like me. Survivors, telling our story through the arts. Thanks to them as well, my dear Andrea will never be forgotten.

Para ver la versión en español del blog de Alexandra, consulta abajo o haz clic aquí.