The cost of being a victim: A Healing Bells blog series

My sister. My everything. I miss you. Digital collage by Yurani Cubillos

Five years ago, I experienced the worst time of my life. In the middle of the global pandemic, my sister Andrea and I couldn’t see each other because we lived in different cities in Puerto Rico and were both under lockdowns. Andrea’s ex-partner had been stalking her, and she reported it several times to police and judges. Each time, they dismissed her without investigating. Without protecting her. Then, on April 29, 2021, I received a call that created a chasm in my life forever. 

A before and an after. 

The ex-partner murdered my sister, my soulmate, the person who completed me. 

I have worked hard to find a reason to go on. To figure out how to find a healing pathway. What I’ve learned is that there are people and places I can trust–Healing Bells is one of them where we support one another and collaborate to stand up to violence against women. But I’ve also learned that many people don’t realize how retraumatizing it is to be bombarded with questions, comments, interviews, judgments, and insensitive details each time that another femicide occurs.          

The cost of being a victim…

Why didn't you just leave? Digital collage by Yurani Cubillos

Besides the actual trauma from the abuse, each victim who decides, bravely, to come forward with their story, also goes through additional traumas when they speak up or ask for help. By naming your aggressor, and what you went through, you are scrutinized and interrogated by the system that should be there to protect you and hold your aggressor accountable for their actions against you. You have to continuously justify yourself as to why you endured those actions, why did you stay, why didn’t you speak sooner. You have to present evidence of the abuse. The reality is that not all forms of gender-violence result in physical abuse. So much psychological abuse generates no evidence. Many perpetrators know exactly what to do to avoid creating evidence of their abuse.

Then, you are required to  tell what is called “your side of the story” over and over. You have to repeat the story in front of different forums. Then, instead of believing you, they “fact-check” you each time, in case what they consider your narrative isn’t exactly the same, word for word. You feel the trauma, the fear, and the confrontation. You see the judgment on the faces of some of the people asking the questions–the forum of judges, police, public prosecutors, the actual abuser, and more–each of whom makes the victim feel unsafe instead of protected. Re-victimizing them all over again.

Not everybody feels at ease speaking in front of strangers. Victims don’t have the proper support and coaching, and the system makes it really hard for the victim to tell their story and to be convincing. The system in Puerto Rico asks regular people to be their own defenders. Most victims don’t know the laws, the processes, the correct order of steps to “build their case.” The system asks too much of a person who already feels unsafe, insecure, and traumatized, who is afraid of what might happen to them. Their minds are already hurt by the abuse they have suffered. Isn’t the system supposed to be there for the victims? To stop abuse and additional harm, and prevent the other party from hurting somebody else? To help the victims heal and feel safe during the process? The system and the Puerto Rican government put undue pressure and judgment on the victims, while they neglect to deal with the perpetrators and change a broken system. 

What I have found to be most hurtful–behavior that shows the mental state of our society–are the people who choose not to believe or have compassion for the victim’s reality. The victim blaming and shaming that occurs creates a big part of the trauma that stays with us and continues to live in our bodies. You can see this in people who judge the victim, asking questions such as why did they stay, why didn’t they recognize the red flags, why didn't they do a background check before entering in this relationship, why did they keep forgiving the abuser, why why why???

Our society forgets the role we each play in what has become a pandemic of gender-based violence. People tend to doubt the victim’s story based on things like the abuser being a nice person, a church-going person, good with children, excellent at work…. They forget that gender-violence mostly happens behind closed doors, in situations where the aggressor holds a certain position of power over the victim (either financially, emotionally, or using manipulation, etc.). There are so many reasons why a victim stays, so many reasons why a victim believes the aggressor will never do it again. One of the reasons is because victims would never hurt someone else, they can’t imagine someone else would hurt them. (See our April 9, 2026 blog to hear our Healing Bells song, “If you are a good person,” which dialogues about this feeling.) Other reasons include chronic gaslighting, fear, psychological manipulation, and lack of financial independence. If someone has not gone through this type of situation, they likely don’t know or understand all of the reasons. 

The point is we don’t have to know the reasons. What we need to know is that a perpetrator caused harm and they need to be held accountable. Every story is different. It is not our place as a society to judge the victims. We owe it to the victims to believe their stories, to listen with compassion and empathy, and support them along the way.

In the end, that is what Healing Bells is about. 

Alexandra has lived experience with the trauma of losing a loved one to femicide and repeated re-traumatizations: Of societies and governments neither believing nor protecting victims and their families, of media and social media sources becoming sensationalist and extractive instead of sensitive and compassionate about the stories, of victim blaming and shaming, of systemic injustices, and lack of accountability.

Not a statistic. A sister, a friend, a whole life. Not one more. Photo of Andrea digitally edited by Yurani Cubillos

At Healing Bells we name the shame and blame that victims experience, which is exactly what Alexandra did in this blog. We name the pain to tame the pain and to open up a healing pathway to reclaim the beautiful people we are (see our blog from August 5, 2025 about the 5 Stages of Healing from Trauma).

This blog is the first in a series. In this series, Healing Bells readers will learn

1. The cost of being a victim. What does it feel like to be traumatized and re-traumatized?

2. The 5 physical responses to trauma. What most victim-blamers don’t understand about what happens in our bodies and brains when we experience life-threatening trauma.

3. How to treat survivors with respect and compassion. How do victims want and deserve to be treated?

4. How can survivors remove embodied trauma and open their healing journey? How does Healing Bells collaborate respectfully and sensitively with survivors and how do they open a healing pathway together?