Selfish: A reflection

They told us that being selfish made us bad people.

And now we can't do a single thing for ourselves without drowning in guilt.

"There Are Layers to Choosing Yourself." Digital collage by Yurani Cubillos.

I have been called selfish for not wanting to have children, for moving away from my family. For leaving rooms that didn’t align with my values. For choosing to walk away from connections that took and took and never once handled me with care. For choosing rest over the performance of being endlessly available.

I'll be honest, I took it personally. At first, I really did. And on the days I'm not at my best, I still do.  But I keep coming back to this: the way someone responds to my choices says everything about where they are with their own. I don't project what works for me onto others, and I ask for the same in return.

Because here is what choosing myself has made room for: I show up for my community. I have friends who love me in ways that feel like home. I am gentler with strangers, more patient with the world, because I am no longer running on empty. I have hobbies. I have passions. I care deeply about equity and about people having what they need to thrive. I live honestly, within my means, without pretending. I practice deep listening. I leave people and places better than I found them, and I leave them with integrity.

Yurani at her artshow in 2024. "The art only exists because I chose myself." Photo by Ayub Elias.

I know women who have spent decades pouring from a cup that was never refilled. Women who didn't find their way back to themselves until much later in life, and I celebrate that, genuinely. But I also grieve that it took so long. It doesn't have to. You are allowed to choose yourself now, not after you've given everything away.

So yes. When they say I am selfish, if that means choosing to take care of myself, I am. And if that word has been following you around, too, I want you to try it on. Wear it. See how it fits when it's yours.

Because the shame was never an accident, and societal norms are not neutral—they are instructions. And one of the oldest ones is this: do not become too self-aware, do not think too freely, do not love yourself or each other too completely.

Moved to Guadalajara in May 2026. Photo by Ayub Elias.

The guilt was designed. And it was designed for you specifically, to keep you small, keep you striving, keep you dependent. You cannot profit from a society that genuinely takes care of one another. You cannot sell anything to a person who already knows they are enough.

And the more I share this truth, the more I realize I am not alone in it. So many of us are quietly, boldly choosing ourselves, and it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. We are finding each other. We are recognizing each other.

Yurani hosted a bouquet arranging event and filled it with women who also choose themselves. Photo by unknown.

Toni Morrison said it best: "The function of freedom is to free someone else."

Maybe this is my version of that.